Ben McCormack

I’ve never been a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, so when I was reading the opinion section of the Atlanta Journal Constitution this past Thursday and came across an article titled “Love, yes, but be committed to marriage,” it really resonated with me.  The Honorable Leah Ward Sears, who wrote the article, challenges readers on the very first line:

Here’s a word of advice this Valentine’s Day: Don’t marry for love.

She goes on to write about how commitment, not necessarily love, is the most important part of keeping marriage alive.  In fact, she even goes so far as to suggest that committing to the health of the marriage is more important than committing to each other.  Those are some bold words, and after thinking about it and testing her wisdom in the context of my own young marriage, I can’t help but agree with her.

In reflecting on what to give my wife for our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple, I chose to write her a letter.  Influenced by the article I had read, the letter shares a lot of my thoughts about marriage, love, and even a few nuggets about Valentine’s day.  For those who have the stomach to digest a man’s love-letter to his newly-wed wife, here’s what I wrote to her (shared, of course, with her permission):

February 14, 2010

Dear Emily,

I have trouble celebrating Valentine’s Day. It seems odd to me that a married couple – albeit a newly married couple – ought to share a day of festivities with countless pairs of individuals promising undying love to one another, the kind of love that just might survive until next summer. If the lowest common denominator of Valentine’s Day is so general a form of “love” that it includes the ethereal teenage variety, I’m not sure that’s a celebration I eagerly await sharing with my spouse. I hope we have embarked on a much greater journey.

What if, instead of celebrating an all-encompassing “love”, Valentine’s Day instead trumpeted the institution of marriage? Would we still find love to be the lowest common denominator of a Valentine’s Day focused on marriage? I imagine so, but we’re left with a “love” that appears a lot different than the one that is currently celebrated.

We can’t include the “in love” type of love because marriages can survive without husband and wife feeling in love with one-another. Obviously, since we’re talking about love within marriage, we can throw out the type of love that lacks a lifelong promise (thus setting aside the aforementioned teenage love). Already, we’ve narrowed down a definition of love to include something that lasts one’s entire life and may or may not include feelings of desire and affection. This form of love is not going to sell a lot of greeting cards or keep Hershey’s in business.

The foundation of this kind of love, at its deepest core, represents commitment – the kind of commitment that presses on when passion wanes, attraction fades, and the person we thought we married is a distant memory. Surely, my dear bride, we are still very much within the joyful tide of our wedding day, and while I certainly pray that our fondness for one another only strengthens over time, the vows that I made to you require my devotion even if the joyful fruits of love seem to have withered.

But what of the reasons why I chose to marry you in the first place? Was not that decision founded on love? Of course it was! However, I don’t think it’s the kind of love that most of the world celebrates this Valentine’s Day. I asked you to marry me, not because of the love we had for each other at the time, but because you are the person I wanted to be committed to when the love of youth begins to depart. You’re the person I want to suffer with as we die to ourselves and struggle to make the best of our marriage. You’re the person I want to wake up next to when, after thirty years of life together, we’ve become better versions of ourselves and get to experience love in a whole new way. I love you; I’m committed to us, no matter what happens.

Marriage asks us to risk the death of the love we think we know and commit ourselves to a love of sacrifice that promises far richer fruit. While the fruits of our honeymoon are still quite ripe, I’m even more overjoyed to know that I will be experiencing the transformation of love within marriage with you. God has already shown me how I have become a better version of myself by being with you; I can’t wait for more.

This Valentine’s Day, I give you this $1.99 card, these words, our budget and goals for our family, and a re-commitment to the vows of our marriage: to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Your devoted husband,

Benjamin